Dits and stories

A page to share interesting snippets of info, members activities etc.,  (let us know what you have been doing of interest and the odd joke or two.) Try to keep it short, keep it clean and above all keep it humourous)


With Thanks to Tony Williamson.

I’ve had requests for my Navy Rum Christmas Cake recipe so here goes (Made mine this morning!!!!). 500g sugar, 500g butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 100ml water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 200g brown sugar, 2 Lemons juiced, 4 large eggs, 1 litre bottle Navy Rum, 400g dried fruit, 200g mixed nuts, 350g self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Rum to check quality. Stroke the cat. Take a large bowl, check the rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality then repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 400g of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Stroke the cat. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit get as stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to test for tonsisticity. Nexsht, sift 200g of salt, or something. Check the rum. Croke the stat. Now shit the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 180 degrees and try not to fall over. As the oven comes round hang on. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish off the rum and wipe the torkwop with the cucking fat. ⚓️🍷🎄


Their blood ran cold with horror
As they gazed on the awful scene
Their faces paled with anguish
And their gills turned faintly green

For seldom has anyone suffered
As they did that horrible day
Never before have humans
Behold such a grisly display.

There on the deck before them
The shattered remnants flowed
And a steady stream of crimson
Sought its level on the Burma Road.

And they stood in breathless silence
As men who were stricken dumb
for they had just seen the duty P/O
Drop a case of Pussers rum...


Not wishing to offend anybody but I thought this was quite good. But obviously written by a xxxxxxx, I'll let you decide.

In the beginning there was the word and the word was God. All else was darkness and void and without form. So God created the Heavens and the Earth. He created the Sun and the moon and the stars, so that light may pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea and He filled it with many assorted creatures.

The dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore He called Marines and He dressed them accordingly.

The flighty creatures of the air, He called Airy Fairies or WAFUs or Fleet Air Arm, and these He clothed in uniforms which were ruffled, foul and stinking. He gave them great floating cities with flat roofs in which to live, where they gathered and formed huge multitudes. They carried out heathen rites and ceremonies by day and by night upon the roof amidst thunderous noise. They were given God's blue sky and their existence was on the backs of others.

The highest creatures of the sea God called the Seaman Branch and with a twinkle in His eye, and with a sense of humour only He could have, God gave them big grey steel war canoes to go to sea on. He also gave them many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they might write home every week and work out ballistics. He also gave them a shiny laundry that they may keep all their splendid uniforms clean. (When you're God you tend to get carried away at times.) On the seventh day as we know God rested and on the eighth day at 0700Z God looked down upon the earth and God was not a happy God. He realised something vital was missing. So He thought about his labours and with His infinite wisdom God decided to create a divine creature, and this divine creature He called a Gunner. And these gunners, whom god created in His own likeness, were to be of the finest kind, and so He gave them a woolly pully to keep them warm on gun decks. He gave them sleek, steel messengers of death called missiles and shells to roam the lengths of the oceans waging war on the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them messdecks to welcome them when they became weary of doing God’s will. He gave them alcoholic drinks so that they may entertain the ladies on nights ashore and impress the hell out of the creatures called the civilians.

At the end of the eighth day God looked down upon the earth and saw that all was well. But still God was not happy, because, in the course of his labours He had forgotten one thing. He had not given Himself a Gunners badge. He thought long and hard and finally satisfied his mind that not just anybody can be a GUNNER.

Here's a little spoof dit about the RAF made some years ago. I hope you enjoy this mickey take, it's a bit of fun and I'm sure no offence meant.

Interesting Facebook page. Your'll have to go to search for people places and things and type in That's life in a blue suit to get there?

Subject: A Matelot

A Matelot is not born...he is made out of leftovers. God built the world and the animals and then recycled the gash to create this dastardly weapon. He took the leftover roar of the lion, the howl of the hyena, the clumsiness of the ox, the stubborness of the mule, the slyness of the fox, the wildness of the bull and the pride of a peacock then added the filthy evil mind of the devil to satisfy his weird sense of humour.

A Matelot evolved into a crude combination of John Dillinger, Errol Flynn, Beau Brummel and Valentino: a swashbuckling, beer-swilling, lovemaking LIAR. A Matelot likes girls, rum, beer, fights, uckers, runs ashore, pubs, jokes, long leave and his mates. He hates Officers, rounds, divisions, saluting middies, reggies, joss men, navy scran and...his turn in the barrel !!

He is brave drinking beer, abusive playing crib, brutal defending his pride and passionate making love. He can start a brawl, create a disaster, offend the law, desert his ship, make you lose your money, your temper and your mind. He can take your sister, your mother, your aunt and, when he is caught, get his Divisional Officer to vouch for his integrity.

A Matelot is loved by all mothers, sisters, aunts and nieces but hated by all fathers, brothers, uncles and nephews. He has a girl in every port and breaks more hearts and causes more fights than any other man yet, when he is off to sea, he is missed more than any other.

A Matelot is a mean, hard drinking, fast running son-of-a-bitch but, when you are in trouble, he is a strong shoulder to lean on, a pillar of wisdom and a defender of the faith and cause. He fights for his mate and dies for his country without question or hesitation.

This is a Matelot and I'm so proud to have been one!!


I bet you didn't know there is a Royal Naval Pipe Band? Yep, well, it's a pipers society by any other name because members are drawn from all over. Serving and Ex RN/RM, retired members and anyone associated with the RN/RM who wishes to join are very welcome.

  RNPS playing in Portsmouth Guildhall Square on a rainy Band Festival

It all started back in 1947 when three Naval Officers(pipers) from Scotland on a run ashore in Trincomalee (Ceylon) thought, (Over a few beers no doubt) it might be a good idea to set up a pipers society. Well by the morning they had forgotten about it. but over the next few years the idea kept resurfacing but It wasn't until 1951 when they met in the wardroom of HMS Dryad with another scot the whole idea was again talked over, this time however it was actioned. So a society was set up as the Royal Naval Pipers Society RNPS. During the 50's 60's and early part of the 70's the society thrived with bands at HMS Caladonia and other shore establishments and several of the lager ships supported small bands. However with changing times, piping, I guess, fell out of fashion and the society folded. Then in mid 1990's a group of like minded pipers and drummers revived the society and today it had approx 95 members. There is no headquarters, member meet when required. The Navy pipe band is associated with the Royal Naval Volunteers Bands RNVB. These are military style bands from the main naval establishments. Every year in late June/early July there is a band festival held in Portsmouth. All the RNVBs gather and parade individually in Guildhall Square in a competition style event. The RNPS provides interval music for the audiance. In the afternoon all the bands play again inside the Guildhall, once again the RNPS play whilst the judges make their deliberations which makes for a very enjoyable day. This is followed in the evening with a fancy dress dance and a few pints and drams in the senior rates mess at HMS Nelson.

The other major outing evey year is the visit to Cologne for the Rosemontag parades. By invite the RN bands (The reasons are to long to go into at this moment) take part in the 5 days of events. Lots of booze very little sleep. A series of indoor events requiring a great deal of piping, drumming and stamina culminate in a 4 hour fancy dress pagent to celebrate Rose Monday. On the Tuesday there is a special parade (Only 2 hours) though the streets of the poorer quarters of the city where the kids are thrown sweeties. Well, a lot of them don't get picked up and end up on the soles of the marchers. Hence the affectionate name "The Sticky Boot Parade".

  RNPS parading through Cologne followed by the RNVB's

Due to the Percentage number of serving personnel in the RNPS falling short of the requirements for the RN to continue supporting the RNPS as a society the RNPS has transformed into the Royal Navy Pipe Band Association. RNPBA

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